Experience something profound today
If you want to experience something profound, help someone be fully seen.
I’m often reminded in our intensives how profound it feels when people are truly seen and heard. I hope you’ve experienced this for yourself - what it feels like to say out loud some of the challenging thoughts and feelings living inside you, and the relief of someone receiving you with grace and not trying to respond or do something about it.
But if it’s so powerful, why don’t we fully see each other more often? Thich Nhat Hanh said that people want to deeply listen, but our egos quickly take over and tell us that – whatever someone is sharing about their experience - it’s actually about us. For example, maybe a leader is hearing from someone they manage and getting the sense that they are struggling, and they start having thoughts, such as: a good manager would know how to help this person right now … what can I say that will help them fix this?
And then the deep listening stops and we start - from the best intentions - making it about us. We engage in subtly controlling or defensive behavior. Perhaps we unintentionally imply to the other person that their experience needs to be “fixed” … that somehow, just experiencing the deeply human emotions of fear, frustration or sadness are evidence that something is broken.
If you want to try a different way, here’s an invitation the next time you’re sitting across from someone that seems to be struggling with something:
Be aware of any impulses that arise in you to affirm, fix, solve, etc. Let yourself feel those impulses, but don’t act on them.
Instead, find out more about what the person is experiencing. Especially - what they are actually feeling. Just be with them as they share.
Don’t be afraid of silence. We’re conditioned to feel awkward in the presence of silence, but silence = space. And we need space.
You may hear a voice in your head saying something like, “you can’t just listen … you need to do something about this! At least give some advice!” But see if that’s true. Let the other person have their own experience and see what happens when you don’t “take it on” or give advice. (Thich Nhat Hanh also said that you can always have a second conversation, after you’ve actually had time to gather your own thoughts.) In the meantime, you might end up giving them a profound gift instead: the opportunity to be truly seen.
