Feeling urgent? Slow down.
Yesterday, I received a very distressing text from my uncle. He shared that his husband - who is also very dear to me and has been battling cancer for over a decade - might be reaching the final stage of that battle. “Not up for talking now, but maybe later this week,” he wrote.
I felt a shock wave of emotion, but then - almost instantly - that was replaced with a flood of thoughts. What does this mean, exactly, and how do I respond? My wife and I are supposed to get on a trip on Saturday for our 10th anniversary. “We’ll probably cancel,” I thought. We can go down to New York to be with them. But what would they need, and for how long? What exactly did this update mean and when would I be able to get more information? My head started swirling with “what-ifs” as I frantically tried to wrap my head around a semblance of a plan for how to react.
Then I stopped myself. I sat down and closed my eyes and tried to get in touch with my heart. After a while it became clear that trying to wrap my head around what this would mean was not only futile, it was actually a detour for me to avoid the pain in my heart. Slowing down and getting past my immediate reactions was a critical way for me to get more centered and decide what I want to do – not as a kneejerk reaction to my swirling, anxious thoughts - but in a way that was more connected to my heart.
And today, it got me thinking about the problem with urgency.
Acting with urgency is not the same as giving in to your automatic reactions. Urgency is about taking action on important matters without unnecessary delay. But when we’re reactive, we’re allowing our most fear-based impulses to take the driver’s seat. We might feel like we’re being “urgent,” but ultimately we are often slowing down progress with our impulsive / defensive / reactive behavior.
As leaders (and humans), so much of our ability to break our most limiting behavior patterns boils down to one thing: our ability to slow down and get past our automatic reactions.
We leverage the enneagram theory of ego to help leaders understand their automatic patterns.
“Body types” (ego types 1, 8, and 9) tend to instantly size things up as right or wrong, and if things are not what they “should” be, they want to go into action right away. When those reactions go unchecked, leaders with those ego types will be overly judgmental, struggle to listen without an agenda, and find themselves constantly fixing things they may barely understand.
For “heart types” (ego types 2, 3, or 4) the automatic reaction is to focus on other people’s emotions above their own, and immediately start trying to exhibit control over other people’s feelings. This can come across as caring, sensitive or responsive, but it can also be described as manipulative, performative, and controlling. And not being in touch with their own emotions means that heart types can take on entire projects, relationships, and jobs that they don’t even like.
“Head types” (ego types 5, 6, or 7) tend to react to the present moment by leaving the present, and starting to construct an imagined future or mental framework that allows them to avoid dealing with their own emotions. Leaders with these ego types tend to be strong strategists who avoid having overly emotional reactions to things. But they may have blind spots about what people feel, struggle with their own suppressed emotions, and might spend countless hours planning for / reacting to scenarios that only exist in their heads.
Here’s the vicious cycle:
We enter a high pressure environment driven by hard deadlines and embrace a culture of “urgency.”
We respond to that feeling of urgency by becoming more reactive.
The more reactive we become, the more we take part in some of our most unproductive behavior patterns.
There’s really only one way to break that cycle: slowing down and giving yourself space to process and feel. In other words: don’t fall into your automatic reactions. Then, when you’re ready to take action, the chances are infinitely better that it will be productive action. It may be paradoxical, but the recipe for urgency should start with slowing down.
