Is a Good Leader “Emotional?”
Is a good leader “emotional?”
Depends on how you define “emotional.” A lot of us probably imagine the leader who ACTS on their emotions - without actually saying them. For example, picture the leader that raises their voice in anger, or withdraws into a sulk after being criticized in the meeting. Acting on emotion without being honest about what you’re feeling damages psychological safety and creates an enormous distraction for the team. Everybody knows what the leader is feeling but no one is actually saying it. So everyone just dances around it, and the leader's emotions end up taking the attention of the team in an unproductive way.
So acting on emotion without actually sharing the emotion = not good.
But what about the opposite? What happens when we actually say what we’re feeling and DON’T immediately act on it? What happens when the leader says “this idea is making me nervous, but I’m trying to push past it and stay open,” instead of just getting agitated or making a move to shut the idea down? What happens when the leader calmly and matter of factly says, “I’m getting frustrated right now and I can feel myself starting to heat up inside because it feels like we’re about to do something unfair to our staff,” but then doesn’t try to immediately take control or “fix” … just leaves the space open for other people to respond?
There are several huge advantages to learning how to be honest about what we’re feeling without immediately acting on those emotions.
Calmly admitting out loud what you’re feeling helps your body release that feeling and return to a more open-minded state.
Sharing your actual feeling kills the subtext in the room and prevents your team from having to guess or “dance-around” what you’re feeling.
Sharing your honest emotions is the most powerful way to invite your team to do the same - and then you will learn so much about where people truly are.
We need to redefine what it means to be an “emotional” leader. Every leader has emotions. Therefore, the choice is not whether to be emotional or not. The choice is whether to be truly honest about what you’re feeling, or try to hide / suppress it in some way and end up acting those feelings out instead. When it comes to building psychological safety, those paths will have profoundly different consequences for your team.
