Want to run a better meeting? Try losing control.

What emotions are you comfortable with?  What emotions are you uncomfortable with? 

If you’re in a leadership position, then your team can probably answer that question for you.

We probably all have our own idea for how one of our meetings is supposed to feel.  My ego certainly tells me that a meeting I’m running should feel “positive.”  What does that mean?  There’s palpable enthusiasm, people are smiling, there’s a general sense of optimism and agency.  And of course, that means that there is a way it’s NOT supposed to feel.  It’s not supposed to feel angry, pessimistic, or tense.  Please, don’t be exhausted. And, I’d prefer if you don’t complain.  

For years, I prided myself on my ability to create meetings that felt “positive.”  And the truth is, I could usually make it feel that way, even if that meant some level of (conscious or unconscious) manipulation.  I wonder how often people were simply picking up on my clear cues for how I wanted them to feel.  They could see the energy I was trying to manifest.  Even more importantly, they could see how I responded to someone when they started to veer toward anger, fear, or resentment.  I didn’t have to say “that’s not allowed here.”  My body language and energy said it all. 

Here’s what I’ve come to understand by working with so many different leaders and teams:  there’s just no good way for a leader to control or police their team’s emotions.  The ideal that we can strive toward is not “positive” or “negative” but honest.  Positive and negative are way too simplistic anyways.  Our bodies tell us that a false smile or forced banter doesn’t feel so “positive.”  And that honest conflict and raw emotion doesn’t always feel so “negative.”  In an environment that is deeply honest, the leader doesn’t need to control the emotions in the room, the team naturally pushes each other and grows together.  When someone’s anger veers into externalizing and judging others, someone else on the team simply shares how that is (honestly) making them feel.  Connections ultimately deepen from those types of exchanges, without even having to default to “norms” or ambiguous definitions of “professionalism.”

But when a leader attempts to overtly or covertly control the emotions in the room, it’s an invitation to the team to spend precious time and attention performing for each other.  And it might be the leader that suffers most of all.  Because trying to control other people’s emotions is exhausting and also stressful.