You vs. How You "Should" Be
Our egos continually try to convince us that who we are is not okay or good enough and we must shift our focus to who we should be. That can play out all kinds of ways, from self-criticism ("I should have spoken up in that meeting"), to emotional repression ("I should feel more happy about this"), to desire or envy ("I should have a better title"). The "shoulds" in our life can sometimes help us get motivated, feel safer, or (at least temporarily) avoid discomfort or pain.
And, "should" can be the gateway to hell on earth.
There are a few challenges with our inner "should" voice and thoughts. First, they quickly lead us to non-reality, instead of helping us become aware of what’s really happening. To say to yourself, I should be more motivated right now ignores the reality that there are actual reasons for why you aren’t. You could accept how you feel and get curious about why you feel that way -- which might actually lead to some deeper understanding of what’s happening for you -- OR you could resist reality by deciding that you "should" feel some other way and focus on changing. That’s typically how we set about trying to change something we don’t actually understand. The same thing happens when we apply a "should" to other people -- we start trying to change or fix them in some way without actually understanding them.
That’s one of the practical problems with applying a "should" to reality instead of first getting curious about what IS - it can lead to ill-informed attempts to change ourselves and others. But there’s an even bigger problem with our "shoulds" and that’s the emotional reality they create for us. For example, it's challenging enough to feel stressed, drained, or unmotivated, but when we turn that into I should feel more motivated then we usually add emotions of anxiety, shame, or anger. We take our stressful or tiring reality and apply the additional judgment that our feeling is not the right one … not the one we should have.
"Should" often takes the guise of growth or self-improvement. But the second we decide what we should feel or be - instead of getting curious about what we ARE - we’re creating a fantasy world to go and live in; a parallel universe designed by our ego that is often more distressing than the real world that we’ve temporarily departed. When we resist or deny our own feelings, we’re dehumanizing ourselves by not allowing ourselves to experience natural human emotions. When we support leaders in bringing awareness to (and disrupting) thoughts like I should know the answer or I should feel more positive -- they are often initially resistant. They’ve internalized the idea that accepting reality is some type of "giving up" or an endorsement of the status quo. But accepting reality is an absolute precondition to getting curious and learning about what is really happening. And if you want to actually experience new understanding, growth, and change - spending time in the world as it is and not the imaginary one that "should" exist - can be an extremely helpful start.
