Are you listening?

My three-year-old daughter has started telling me to “put my listening ears on.”  It’s a little scary to realize how adept she is at knowing when I’m not actually listening to her.  I’m reminded constantly how much parenting (and leading … and living) is about listening. 

And the hardest kind of listening requires more than just my ears.  When I’m listening at the deepest levels, I can hear my daughter say, “I’m NOT nice to you” (another favorite phrase of the moment) and understand that she’s trying to figure out how to process and communicate an emotion like anger.  When I’m truly listening, I can hear her say, “I’m exhausted,” “I’m afraid,” or “I’m curious.”  And to be clear, she’s never actually said any of those things. 

But I don’t think this just applies to three-year-olds.

When we’re listening, we’re paying attention to what someone is saying.  But when we’re deeply listening, we’re hearing what the person is NOT saying.  At least, not in the way we might expect.  Maybe some part of them wants to tell us that they’re feeling exhausted.  Or scared.  Or even, betrayed.  But at another level they may not even be admitting that to themselves, yet. So if we want to hear them in the deepest way, we’ve got to use more than just our ears.  When we’re totally present, our bodies and our hearts will sense and feel them at a deeper and more sophisticated level.  

When you’re listening at THAT level, you will experience far more compassion and understanding.  You will rarely be triggered.  So often we work with teams that are having a dialogue about some potential decision, action, or strategy - and they’re pretending like it’s just an “ideas” conversation.  When we’re listening with our hearts and bodies, we can sense the fear, resentment, or fatigue in the room.  If we can share what we’re sensing or feeling, and invite that into the open, we can have a more real conversation, and one that is likely to open us up instead of strengthening our defenses.  

It could be interesting to pick just one conversation you’re going to have today and, yes, “put your listening ears on,” but also allow your heart and body to be present.  Be willing to share with the person what you’re truly sensing from them.  Then you can not only see what you learn, but remind yourself what it feels like to listen that deeply.