Some of the hardest work we can ever do
For a few months now I’ve had the nagging feeling that someone I care about has been upset with me. I care about her a lot, but we’re not that close. So I was finding it extra hard to bring it up and just ask her about it. I tried to put it out of my mind but it kept popping back up. And the more time I spent with my feelings, the more clear it was to me that I should talk with her. And the more certain I got about what I needed to do, the more terrified I got about actually doing it.
What was I so afraid of? I wasn’t actually scared about finding out that she WAS upset. I already assumed that she was, and I knew it would be a relief if we got to talk about it. What really scared me was the possibility it would be … awkward. Uncomfortable. Clumsy.
In my head, I knew there was no real reason to fear “awkwardness” so much, but the truth is it terrifies me. That fear doesn’t come from any logical analysis, it comes from a part of me that has been an unconscious driver of my behavior for all my life – the part of me that fears getting trapped in discomfort and pain – and so tries to avoid it altogether. It’s a defining feature of my “autopilot.”
We all have an autopilot mode: a set of patterns and behaviors that are driven by the ego and happen automatically when we’re moving quickly through our lives. The exclusive work of our “Authentic Leadership Intensives” is helping people get aware of those autopilot modes and explore what it feels like to actually break those patterns.
Breaking free of those patterns can produce feelings of relief, joy, calm, and even liberation. But damn is it hard. I do this work for a living and as I sat there getting ready to reach out to this friend, my heart felt like it was going to pound right out of my chest.
I truly believe that breaking these “autopilot” patterns is some of THE hardest work that we can ever do. It doesn’t matter how clear we are in our heads that we “should” be able to do something, our egos will FIGHT it.
For some people, getting off autopilot means sharing something honest that might upset someone else. For others, it might mean sitting with their own feelings of sadness or grief. And for others it might mean sitting back and accepting whatever happens when they feel the impulse to be controlling.
The good news is that so often when we manage to break those automatic patterns in favor of being more true to ourselves, the pay-off is often substantial and immediate.
But even knowing that doesn’t make it easy. No matter your particular autopilot, I suspect that when it comes time to break those patterns of behavior, even if you know that it’s healthy / important / safe for you to do it, it still feels painfully hard. We shouldn’t ignore that. We should be truly proud of ourselves for those acts of courage. And when we’re supporting others to work on their patterns of people-pleasing, or controlling behavior, or conflict avoidance, we can remember that we are asking them to do some of the absolute most important, hardest, and scariest work they could take on.
And let’s offer them- and ourselves - the most love, encouragement, and understanding that we can muster.
