Election week is finally here
I’ve been waiting for this election day (and waiting for it to be over) for months. In my worst stretches, I found myself compulsively checking for new headlines – reflexively getting out my phone to look at the newest “election updates” in almost every spare moment. My daughter would walk into the room and I’d put my phone away, but my head now was in Michigan or Arizona, or wherever the rally was taking place that constituted some form of “news.” About two weeks ago I realized what was really happening: I was constantly looking for some small piece of evidence that I could use to deepen my hope that everything was going to turn out okay. I was trying to alleviate my anxiety, and in doing so, I was adding to it significantly.
It was my classic “autopilot.” We all have a set of patterns and behaviors driven by our ego that we default to when we’re moving quickly or mindlessly through our lives. For me, it’s about looking for constant mental stimulation and searching for any data I can find to believe that everything is going to be just fine.
The last couple of weeks I’ve done a much better job of getting off autopilot. For me, that meant new boundaries with my technology (I decided there was nothing I needed to know that wouldn’t be in the Sunday paper). And then when I DID take in the news, I really sat with it. I let myself fully feel it. And then did something that I hadn’t done during all that compulsive I-phoning: I took small actions to reclaim some locus of control and channel my feelings into something concrete. Which then made it easier to return to the present. Instead of listening to a podcast on my walk to the store, I looked at the leaves changing colors. I took my daughter to the park near our house to collect acorns and throw them into the pond.
I know that some of those boundaries will go out the window this week. I’ll be glued to the screen tomorrow night and - I can anticipate - back to looking at frequent updates during the days following. And of course, what actually happens tomorrow will have a profound impact on my emotional state. In anticipation, I’m trying to be more intentional about not living on autopilot.
Everyone’s autopilot is different. For some people, autopilot could cause them to tune out altogether, while for others it will mean going so deep down a rabbit hole of news, social media, and podcasts, that they may barely have one toe in their own life. Autopilot might steer some of us into extreme stances of all consuming ecstasy OR total doom. While others may seek to reframe events in their mind so that they can skip over big feelings altogether.
Here are the things I’m going to try and do this week to avoid going completely on autopilot. Sharing them with you will help me stay grounded, and maybe they’ll resonate for you?
Give myself time to truly allow whatever feelings arise for me. My autopilot steers me away from confronting certain emotions. Even if it’s only 5-10 minutes of meditation or journaling, I want to be honest with myself about the emotions that are coming up for me this week so that I can accept them, allow myself to feel them, and let my body complete its natural stress cycles so I can move through them as they arise. If my body wants to cry or scream - whether it be from joy or agony - then I want to give myself the space to do that.
Be vulnerable instead of analytical. When I’m on autopilot I stay in my head and away from my heart. I can anticipate turning every conservation I have with the people I love into a rehash or analysis of whatever is happening in the news. But instead, I want to take advantage of the time I have with the people I love to process what this is all feeling like. I want to know what it’s bringing up in them. For my own sake, I’d rather be a vulnerable human than a “talking head.”
Give myself a break. I don’t want to lose ALL boundaries with my technology this week. Part of taking care of myself and being more valuable to the people in my life will mean giving myself some time to be present to what is happening in front of me. I want to cook dinner. I want to get outside and be with the trees and listen to the last of the crickets – and just spend a few minutes connecting to a living energy that transcends what is playing out on my iphone.
Convert rumination into small actions. I want to hold on to what’s in my locus of control and do something based on how things unfold. When I’m on autopilot, I ruminate. Breaking that cycle for me means moving into an action, no matter how small or trivial in the grand scheme of things. Whether that means donating to an organization, reaching out to someone I know who might be more affected than me, or even writing a message that will never be read (dear congressperson) – moving to action has been one of the only ways I’ve been able to disrupt my rumination these past weeks, and I don’t want to take a “now it’s too late” stance for this week.
I hope sharing this is helpful, and I hope I don’t sound confident or preachy about how I’m approaching any of this. Going into this week, I feel vulnerable and scared. I have no idea what will happen or what it will all feel like. And when I do go on autopilot, I hope I can also cut myself some slack. These are hard and scary times. And we’re just human.
