What emotions are you comfortable with?  What emotions are you uncomfortable with?  If you’re in a leadership position, then your team can probably answer that question for you.

What do the words “emotional constancy” mean to you? For most of the leaders we work with, they’ve internalized those words to mean that they shouldn’t register “negative” emotions - and feelings like fear or anger should never see the light of day. For many of those leaders, “emotional constancy” is a good thing - something they’ve been praised for and feel a need to convey - but it’s also driven by fear, and deeply connected to race and gender.

Imagine you’re watching a team during an emotional meeting. Two team members are sharing their frustration with each other. Then someone is tearing up as they come clean about how much pressure and stress they’ve been feeling. Moments later, other team members are sharing their own fears about a new direction the team may be taking.

How does it feel seeing all this happen?

Now, imagine that you’re the leader of this team. Does that change how it feels?

I once told a colleague of mine that I was frustrated with them for sending me urgent emails late at night.  At the time, I was proud of myself for being honest.  But looking back, I was only sharing something half-honest.  The full truth would have sounded something like this:  “I’m feeling anxiety about my lack of presence with my family and I’m feeling a ton of pressure to keep my inbox clean because I’m afraid of being seen as someone that’s not responsive enough.”  The surface level truth was that I was frustrated with them.  The deeper truth was about my own struggle.  

Have you ever gotten feedback that you were too emotional?  Or, had the fear that you were coming across as too emotional?  Maybe you judged someone else for being “too emotional.” 

But what does “too emotional” actually mean? 

When I was 25 years old, I went to bed one night feeling totally normal and woke up the next morning with excruciating back-pain that made it nearly impossible to get out of bed.  At the time, I was bewildered.  How could something like this come out of nowhere?  I hoped that something that came on so quickly might leave just as quickly, but it was only the beginning of a decade-plus of various chiropractors getting me back into alignment, and many months (more than someone in their 20s/30s would care to admit) of wearing a back brace under my clothing.   

Something happens in almost every Authentic Leaders Intensive.  Perhaps we’re working with a leader with strong people-pleasing tendencies exploring what it feels like to share their own emotions or needs.  Or maybe we’re working with an action-oriented, justice-minded leader that’s experimenting with what it feels like to hold boundaries and listen to their bodies.  Or a leader that’s struggling to even acknowledge what their hearts are telling them because it feels like “I’d be centering myself.”

Whatever the case, the question almost always comes up…Isn’t that selfish?

When we think about habits or behaviors to change in the new year for better health and wellness, I think there’s something that often gets overlooked.

Being dishonest. 

They end.  And no matter how great a break or a vacation can feel, eventually you get more and more aware of how little time is left.  Then you’re back in your normal life.  Doing your normal work.  Usually, whatever life felt like before you went on break is what it feels like a day or two back into it.   And if it doesn’t feel good - then what?

I’m often reminded in our intensives how profound it feels when people are truly seen and heard. I hope you’ve experienced this for yourself - what it feels like to say out loud some of the challenging thoughts and feelings living inside you, and the relief of someone receiving you with grace and not trying to respond or do something about it.